sooooo, it's November

2010 is about to be history and I have just gotten used to writing it on checks.  Where has the time gone this year?  I guess raising babies will do that to you.  This has been a wonderful year so far.  As tired as I am, I have been having a lot of fun watching my girls grow and enjoying new and old friends.  Things have been added...new hobby/obsession (quilting!), new clubs/friends (Guild), new church friends.  Things have been subtracted...the crib (but I guess bedtime battles should go on the 'add' list), a whole lot of mental junk (Praise God!), sleep :(   Lots of things have stayed the same...great bible study friends, wonderful church, great neighbors, loving family, our health.  What could the next year have for us?  Hopefully more blogging...haha.

back from summer break...

it's been awhile since i've checked in.  life here has been full of summertime stuff. pretty lazy, yet busy at the same time.  is that possible?  we've spent our days at the swimming pools, going to the park, visiting the library, and taking long naps in the air conditioning.  joe had a few long trips (dallas, singapore), we made our annual trek to the beach, and the kids spent a week at camp grammy. lots of fun stuff. it just went so fast.  this was my last summer before any of my girls will start formal school.  we get a couple of bonus weeks for the last time.  it's been a sweet time. we're moving out of the baby stage into the terrible twos and all the mischief that comes with it.  Maggie is a headstrong, determined little being who's cuteness outweighs any terrible thing she can muster.  Annabelle turned 5 years old today and I must say it has really sent my emotions whirling.  She is so grown up.  And it has gone faster than I could have ever imagined.  It was as if as soon as she came out of the terrible toddler stage when you think the days will never end, time started moving at lightning pace.  She is the most delightful thing in my life.  She has the most tender, sweet heart and she has the bubbliest personality.  She genuinely loves people and people just can't help but love her.  Blessing is an understatement.

heading out for vacation this evening.  looking forward to some uninterrupted family time.  taking some fabric with me to do a little sewing.  it's all hexagons baby! 

enough...

am I good enough?  when will that thought be definitively and finally be answered? yes.  every time.  yes. that's what Jesus says.  when will it sink in?  when will i walk in that complete freedom?  what in the world would my daily life look like while living from that reality rather than the drudgery of perception that i'm not.  and it's drudgery. wading through mud.  look at your life Christy.  if you weren't enough and God didn't love you, would He have given you all of this?  believe that He isn't holding out on you.  

heading north

after almost 4 years, i'm finally making it up to see my sharon.  i just can't wait.  after all these phone calls, i get to see the infamous house!  of course, the world is crumbling fast as i prepare to leave. ab with a fever, the dog just threw up about 3 days worth of food, and joe is getting all antsy about what 'to do' with the girls.  i have to get out of here fast!!!!

just another manic monday...

up early.  the sun was up at 5:30.  the quiet is nice. had a pretty busy weekend and we're staring down a packed week.  having one of those up-early-worrying-about-something-said-yesterday mornings.  it was one of those moments when you said something that you didn't want to say because you know it is a dig and could potentially be hurtful.  but deep down, you've been dying to say it because you have just been pissed off for awhile at that person.  and you've been scheming in your mind what you'd love to truly say to them, but know you never will because it's just mean and makes you look ugly.  well, a tiny little bit of what i have been dying to say slipped out yesterday.  and inevitably...remorse.  and so the mental roller coaster begins...God, heal these wounds. they've been there for years and the scarring is deep.  i don't want to walk out of this hurt, i want to walk out of a heart changed and healed by You.  i have no idea how to make this better. 

the happy place

waking up at 5:30 for a 'bobble', endless diaper changing, constant correcting, always feeling like a 'meany', gazing longingly at the project collecting dust in the corner, gazing disgustingly at the hair balls forming all over the hardwood...it's easy to just get sucked into the vortex of 'blah' when life feels like Groundhog Day.  I'm dreaming of a special place that I'm sure doesn't exist.  One that is gated, outside (so my kids are getting their dose of fresh air, haha), but shaded so I don't have to worry about sunscreen, grassy yet bug-free so we don't need the spray, concrete that doesn't hurt when you fall on it.  a place where i can sit, relaxed, watching my kids play and laugh and truly enjoy them without thinking about anything else.  without a magazine, without a book, without a list.  just purely watching them live without having to correct, catch, yell, discipline, clean, collect, assess.  a place where all i need to say is 'good job, wonderful, YES!' a place where the word 'no' isn't needed.  ahhhhh.  that would be a nice change.  God, how can i snap out of this funk? or is it something that isn't supposed to be snapped out of...

been awhile...

been awhile since my last post.  busy sewing, chasing children, trying to figure out all these blog/photo sites.  i have a bazillion ideas.  going to a quilt show this weekend and heading to sharon's in two weeks :) 

sewing? really?

so...after all the drama from the great crib escape of 2010, my girls have landed in the same bedroom.  of which, i should have just done from the moment maggie's feet hit the floor from her launch.  i have to say, it feels strange.  i feel a little guilty, like i'm shortchanging annabelle or something.  she's had her own space for 4.5 years and now, poof, a roommate.  guess it's kinda like we felt in college :)  but, she hasn't complained yet.  with spring upon us, they don't spend much time up there other than to 'sleep' so maybe this was a good time to transition.  so, with them in the same room....that frees up an ENTIRE room.  for what, you may say?  another baby?  H to the ELL no.  a space for mommy?  BOO-YA.  ok, so it won't just be me.  i'm going to create a 'creative' room.  put my sewing machine in there, store all the craft supplies and let the girls have their coloring table in there...but only if they cooperate.  because, something has really sparked in my spirit when i think about sewing lately.  like, i can't get enough of it!  i'm always thinking about when i can steal away and work on something.  i have about 10 projects lined up in my head.  could this be the thing i've needed for so long?  i went thru a really tough time before having kids believing that God had kinda forgotten to give me a purpose/passion.  you know, something to hang my hat on that was just for me, from Him.   now I know so much more about His heart for me and know He loves me.  so I really just feel like He's giving me this interest as a simple and pure gift.  something to excite me, make me feel productive amongst the laundry/dishes/dust bunnies.  i would have never thought this up 5 years ago.  i have no idea where it will take me, but i think it will be a fun ride :)

8 more hours

two long weeks.  maggie climbed out of her crib 10 hours after he left on the first day.  and she hasn't stopped since.  it has been a horrible time. i haven't been this tired in her whole life.  at least when she was an infant, she didn't have to be chased.  i think i have said, 'get in your bed' about 2000 times this week.  and she still doesn't get it. nothing works for her. not being nice, not being mean.  she doesn't even flinch at being spanked, which i had to resort to after 2.5 hours one night trying to get her to sleep.  it has been a blur of no naps, tears, up in the middle of the night, getting kicked in my sleep, sharing my bed with everyone.  i'm tired. i'm done.  and i feel so guilty for just being mean the whole time.  i have no fuse left and everything is totally irritating.  i'll look back and laugh about it someday, but right now, i'm just finished.  8 more hours...

the help

joe is gone on a two week trip to korea and singapore. yes, that sucks.  but, inevitably, i always get so much help from andi and adam.  i sure hope they don't feel guilted into it.  but, they are seriously always there when i need them.  they drove me to the hospital when i was in labor with annabelle, they tried to get joe home on a flight that night, they let my dog out when i can't, they rip up moldy carpet when i'm scared it's hurting the brain development of my unborn child LOL. they put together toddler beds when i can't contain my climbing kid, they pick my girls up and take them to do their favorite things.  frisch's for two whole pregnancies whenever i wanted it.   years and years of help.  COUNTLESS meals with them when joe has been gone.  they just always show up.  and they are so funny!  i just love them.  and they are going to be my neighbors in just 6 more weeks!  they must be crazy.  how could i ever repay them for all they do for me? 

more free

in the last month, i've been going through beth moore's breaking free and our all-church curriculum 'FREE.'  sense a theme?!  here is what God is teaching me about myself through all this...

-i have considered myself the savior of my family.  that i was responsible for fixing everyone's problems.  their problems in life, relationships, money.  you name it, i needed to try to think of a solution.  i felt like 'God let me know about this, so He must want me to fix it.  and if i don't then we're all going to hell in a handbasket.'  sounds crazy...

-i have elected myself the go-between for all my family members.  i do this by engaging in gossipy conversations about each of them with each of them all the while trying to keep the blame/wrongful living away from me.  sounds bitchy...

-i thought that my constant worry/mental deliberation was required for any good to come of my families situations.  surely, i would just think of a solution.  sounds ridiculous...

-i've lived my life like God isn't in control.  that He can't handle this without me.  

-i haven't believed Him.

-i think that this is such a mess, that my mind can't conceive of how it could possibly work out. 

Conclusions...

-God is in control.  He doesn't need my input.

-what they do isn't my fault.

-I have to believe Him.

-I have to pray.

Through all this, I can't help but be afraid.  Afraid that it won't work out well.  Do I believe His plan is best?  I want to.  But, honestly, I think I've tried to solve all this for so long because it hurts like hell to see my family hurting or suffering.  It hurts like hell to see them hurting each other and wasting time acting like fools to each other.  Maybe all this time I've tried to fix it because I just didn't want to feel that hurt.  I didn't want to feel the sadness that comes from watching someone you love head down a tormented path and continue to make the wrong decision.  Every fiber of my being wants to grab their hands and say, 'No! Don't go that way!  You'll get hurt.  Just follow me and I'll help you out of this.'  But, that's not my job.  It's His.  Funny thing is, I think that's probably just what He says to all of us.  'No! Don't go that way!  You'll get hurt.  Just follow me and I'll help you out of this.'  this must be how He feels when He watches me turn away from Him.  Sadness. Disbelief that I continue to take the gnarly path when He's got the course all mapped out. Do they know how much I love them?  Do they know that I just want them to live free?  Do I know that Jesus really loves me?  Do I know that Jesus really wants me to live free? Jesus, take my hand.  It really hurts and I don't know which way to go. Lead me out of this.

free?

Maggabelle- 4.5 years and 19.5 months  it's been a crazy month.  a ton of snow, a dallop of sickness, and a dash more snow.  it's been good though.  just started two new bible studies  on freedom and one new book on the holy spirit.  kinda hefty after months of biblical apathy.  i find that i slip into times of drought when i've got a lot to hide.  then, wham, God blasts me all at once. kinda like saying, 'ok, enough! you are going to hear this child!'  so many things have been on my heart lately.    Forgotten God is really rocking my world.  all about the Holy Spirit and what it means to literally walk in Him.  like just that, have i really taken to heart that the Holy Spirit is Him?  and why is it hard for me to wrap my brain around that?  and why is it such an effort to walk every moment with Him?  shouldn't it be easy?  shouldn't, after all these years of being a believer, I wake up each morning eager to know what He wants to say to me and where He wants to lead me?  it's still a little weird to me.  is it that i haven't really fallen in love with God? Or that I haven't spent enough time in true relationship with Him?   what have i done wrong?  i wake up each morning loving and yearning to know what's going on with my husband and kids.   I felt as though I loved Joe only weeks after knowing him.  My kids were within days.  I'm so confident in my love for them and my desire to serve them.  Why is it different when it comes to the Spirit?  He is in me just waiting to lead, but I just stifle or ignore.  Am I afraid of what He'll ask of me?  Have I just not practiced/spent enough time listening?  All very hard questions for me to swallow.    And two different studies on Freedom.  Ain't nothing like asking God to shed some light on the areas that you feel all chained up in.  The obvious one, of course, is my issues with weight.  But, another one is my deep worry about what the future will hold for me in the next season.  What would my daily life look like if I didn't care what I weigh/look like? What would my daily life look like if I wasn't concerned with what God wants me to do with my life when my kids go to school?  Can I really be free from the thoughts that I have been so ingrained in following for decades?  DECADES. I realized this week that I haven't liked my body for 13 years now.  I've scrutinized every picture taken, every outfit worn, and believed that I looked terrible for 13 years.  Am I ready to be free of that?  What in the world does that even feel like?   And God seems to sending everyone down these really lovely little career/ministry paths that will just work out perfectly for when then aren't staying home with their kids anymore.  For me...not so much.  How in the world could He possibly make me free from all the judgement/comparison/self-doubting that this reality is causing me?  Is the first step realizing the chains that have been invisibly holding you for all this time?  I have to say, that has been the most shocking part.  Years of not even seeing the bondage...

94.5

pawie died yesterday.  he was 94.5 years old.  his last year was one of fast decline.  but, just 9 months ago, he was still able to pick around the garden.  as we sat and looked at old pictures, it was unbelievable to realize just how much he lived through.  the changes in style of everything...cars, hair-dos, the landscape of the beach, patterns of couches and wallpaper.  he had been married for over 60 years.  i just ache for mawie.  i know he needed to go and she knew it, but how do you walk back into a house alone after sharing your life with someone that long?  are you at peace with it or do you just wish it was over for you too.  she's a strong woman and she's always carried on.  watching them made me realize that one day, that would be us.  God willing, we'll be old, watching everyone else move on and have to watch each other age and die.  in this season of babies and tired, it's hard to even put my head around it.  but there's no person i'd rather face it with.  we've been asking each other all these 'what if' questions in such a weird way.  like, 'if it was me, how would you____?'  almost like saying it is so foreign and weird like it could never happen.  and at first, we were giving each other these really brave answers like, 'i would do what was best for everyone.'  and 'you'd just have to carry on.'  when really, i don't think i could be brave or rational.  but, if it really happened, would we be so put together and diplomatic about it?  or would we fight to hold onto everything because we know our days together were numbered.  i guess it's just reminded me just how much i love him.  12 years together, marriage, jobs, babies...it's all just woven us tighter together.  and in these days of hard work and raising up toddlers, it's been so easy to forget that and let our feelings go unspoken.  i definitely walk around each day treating him like he'll always be here.  when, one day he won't be.  and that fact just takes my breath away.

lexicon update

Maggie-

bobble- bottle

t

One of the funniest lines of all time...

AB- Mom
--yeah
AB- You know what?

--what?

AB- Jesus died on a t.

the maggabelle lexicon

Finally, I have a good spot to record all the little behaviors and funny pronunciations my kids have come up with in the last 4 years! Reminded of a few today...

~Annabelle~
(*still saying it and it's too cute for me to correct her)

hostible* -hospital
sabeggee -spaghetti
schaw-schaw -stroller
Ka-tah -Kassi
Bub-bub -Murphy
vom mik - warm milk
sleepy cheese - bedtime snack
Liv-vee* - Libby our dog

~Maggie~
teat-treat
whenever she leaves a room, she stops to look at you, raises her hand, and yells "Bye!"
ah-me - Mommy
schis-schee - sissy
ah-bull - Annabelle
Bi-bee - Libby
Nan-nee - Andi
ah-peas - Help please!
When you ask, "Who wants to (insert anything)?"  she yells, "ME!"
When asked what sound a variety of animals make, she responds by smacking her lips (?!)
All yes/no questions are first answered with a 'N-yo'
b-i-b-i, bobble! - The b-i-b-l-e, BIBLE!
up a-upa - Up above the
Her first word was Mom, her second word was Poop :)


Ahhhh, I'm sure there will be so much more to come...

dating

today I showed Annabelle where I used to live when Joe and I were dating.
a-"what's dating?"
-when you get to know each other to figure out if you want to get married.
a- "did you just get together and talk, talk, talk."
-yes
a-"why would you want to do that?"
-yeah, that's kinda how your dad felt about it, too.

Freeze Dancing

It's 8:30 and my kids should be in bed. But, no, they are freeze dancing with their dad to ABC and Taylor Swift. Annabelle is trying out her new ballet moves, Maggie just keeps spinning, then stopping to laugh, Belle is trying to get in the middle of it, and Libby and I are keeping our post on the couch. Joe has been trying to teach AB how to do the spin in, then back out thing and it just isn't there yet. I'm sure there will be many nights of practice to come. Our new picture window has created a perfect dancing 'mirror' for the two girls. I keep catching them walking past it and pausing to take a look at themselves. So, when they wake up tired and grouchy, it was worth it. Many new moves were created tonight. Hey, dancing is hard work.

My first blog post :) Maggabelle is currently 18m and 4 years. Today, our first actually girl 'cat' fight. Oh yes, on the ground, pulling hair. Fabulous. Calgon take me away...