the help

joe is gone on a two week trip to korea and singapore. yes, that sucks.  but, inevitably, i always get so much help from andi and adam.  i sure hope they don't feel guilted into it.  but, they are seriously always there when i need them.  they drove me to the hospital when i was in labor with annabelle, they tried to get joe home on a flight that night, they let my dog out when i can't, they rip up moldy carpet when i'm scared it's hurting the brain development of my unborn child LOL. they put together toddler beds when i can't contain my climbing kid, they pick my girls up and take them to do their favorite things.  frisch's for two whole pregnancies whenever i wanted it.   years and years of help.  COUNTLESS meals with them when joe has been gone.  they just always show up.  and they are so funny!  i just love them.  and they are going to be my neighbors in just 6 more weeks!  they must be crazy.  how could i ever repay them for all they do for me? 

more free

in the last month, i've been going through beth moore's breaking free and our all-church curriculum 'FREE.'  sense a theme?!  here is what God is teaching me about myself through all this...

-i have considered myself the savior of my family.  that i was responsible for fixing everyone's problems.  their problems in life, relationships, money.  you name it, i needed to try to think of a solution.  i felt like 'God let me know about this, so He must want me to fix it.  and if i don't then we're all going to hell in a handbasket.'  sounds crazy...

-i have elected myself the go-between for all my family members.  i do this by engaging in gossipy conversations about each of them with each of them all the while trying to keep the blame/wrongful living away from me.  sounds bitchy...

-i thought that my constant worry/mental deliberation was required for any good to come of my families situations.  surely, i would just think of a solution.  sounds ridiculous...

-i've lived my life like God isn't in control.  that He can't handle this without me.  

-i haven't believed Him.

-i think that this is such a mess, that my mind can't conceive of how it could possibly work out. 

Conclusions...

-God is in control.  He doesn't need my input.

-what they do isn't my fault.

-I have to believe Him.

-I have to pray.

Through all this, I can't help but be afraid.  Afraid that it won't work out well.  Do I believe His plan is best?  I want to.  But, honestly, I think I've tried to solve all this for so long because it hurts like hell to see my family hurting or suffering.  It hurts like hell to see them hurting each other and wasting time acting like fools to each other.  Maybe all this time I've tried to fix it because I just didn't want to feel that hurt.  I didn't want to feel the sadness that comes from watching someone you love head down a tormented path and continue to make the wrong decision.  Every fiber of my being wants to grab their hands and say, 'No! Don't go that way!  You'll get hurt.  Just follow me and I'll help you out of this.'  But, that's not my job.  It's His.  Funny thing is, I think that's probably just what He says to all of us.  'No! Don't go that way!  You'll get hurt.  Just follow me and I'll help you out of this.'  this must be how He feels when He watches me turn away from Him.  Sadness. Disbelief that I continue to take the gnarly path when He's got the course all mapped out. Do they know how much I love them?  Do they know that I just want them to live free?  Do I know that Jesus really loves me?  Do I know that Jesus really wants me to live free? Jesus, take my hand.  It really hurts and I don't know which way to go. Lead me out of this.