free?

Maggabelle- 4.5 years and 19.5 months  it's been a crazy month.  a ton of snow, a dallop of sickness, and a dash more snow.  it's been good though.  just started two new bible studies  on freedom and one new book on the holy spirit.  kinda hefty after months of biblical apathy.  i find that i slip into times of drought when i've got a lot to hide.  then, wham, God blasts me all at once. kinda like saying, 'ok, enough! you are going to hear this child!'  so many things have been on my heart lately.    Forgotten God is really rocking my world.  all about the Holy Spirit and what it means to literally walk in Him.  like just that, have i really taken to heart that the Holy Spirit is Him?  and why is it hard for me to wrap my brain around that?  and why is it such an effort to walk every moment with Him?  shouldn't it be easy?  shouldn't, after all these years of being a believer, I wake up each morning eager to know what He wants to say to me and where He wants to lead me?  it's still a little weird to me.  is it that i haven't really fallen in love with God? Or that I haven't spent enough time in true relationship with Him?   what have i done wrong?  i wake up each morning loving and yearning to know what's going on with my husband and kids.   I felt as though I loved Joe only weeks after knowing him.  My kids were within days.  I'm so confident in my love for them and my desire to serve them.  Why is it different when it comes to the Spirit?  He is in me just waiting to lead, but I just stifle or ignore.  Am I afraid of what He'll ask of me?  Have I just not practiced/spent enough time listening?  All very hard questions for me to swallow.    And two different studies on Freedom.  Ain't nothing like asking God to shed some light on the areas that you feel all chained up in.  The obvious one, of course, is my issues with weight.  But, another one is my deep worry about what the future will hold for me in the next season.  What would my daily life look like if I didn't care what I weigh/look like? What would my daily life look like if I wasn't concerned with what God wants me to do with my life when my kids go to school?  Can I really be free from the thoughts that I have been so ingrained in following for decades?  DECADES. I realized this week that I haven't liked my body for 13 years now.  I've scrutinized every picture taken, every outfit worn, and believed that I looked terrible for 13 years.  Am I ready to be free of that?  What in the world does that even feel like?   And God seems to sending everyone down these really lovely little career/ministry paths that will just work out perfectly for when then aren't staying home with their kids anymore.  For me...not so much.  How in the world could He possibly make me free from all the judgement/comparison/self-doubting that this reality is causing me?  Is the first step realizing the chains that have been invisibly holding you for all this time?  I have to say, that has been the most shocking part.  Years of not even seeing the bondage...

94.5

pawie died yesterday.  he was 94.5 years old.  his last year was one of fast decline.  but, just 9 months ago, he was still able to pick around the garden.  as we sat and looked at old pictures, it was unbelievable to realize just how much he lived through.  the changes in style of everything...cars, hair-dos, the landscape of the beach, patterns of couches and wallpaper.  he had been married for over 60 years.  i just ache for mawie.  i know he needed to go and she knew it, but how do you walk back into a house alone after sharing your life with someone that long?  are you at peace with it or do you just wish it was over for you too.  she's a strong woman and she's always carried on.  watching them made me realize that one day, that would be us.  God willing, we'll be old, watching everyone else move on and have to watch each other age and die.  in this season of babies and tired, it's hard to even put my head around it.  but there's no person i'd rather face it with.  we've been asking each other all these 'what if' questions in such a weird way.  like, 'if it was me, how would you____?'  almost like saying it is so foreign and weird like it could never happen.  and at first, we were giving each other these really brave answers like, 'i would do what was best for everyone.'  and 'you'd just have to carry on.'  when really, i don't think i could be brave or rational.  but, if it really happened, would we be so put together and diplomatic about it?  or would we fight to hold onto everything because we know our days together were numbered.  i guess it's just reminded me just how much i love him.  12 years together, marriage, jobs, babies...it's all just woven us tighter together.  and in these days of hard work and raising up toddlers, it's been so easy to forget that and let our feelings go unspoken.  i definitely walk around each day treating him like he'll always be here.  when, one day he won't be.  and that fact just takes my breath away.

lexicon update

Maggie-

bobble- bottle

t

One of the funniest lines of all time...

AB- Mom
--yeah
AB- You know what?

--what?

AB- Jesus died on a t.