94.5

pawie died yesterday.  he was 94.5 years old.  his last year was one of fast decline.  but, just 9 months ago, he was still able to pick around the garden.  as we sat and looked at old pictures, it was unbelievable to realize just how much he lived through.  the changes in style of everything...cars, hair-dos, the landscape of the beach, patterns of couches and wallpaper.  he had been married for over 60 years.  i just ache for mawie.  i know he needed to go and she knew it, but how do you walk back into a house alone after sharing your life with someone that long?  are you at peace with it or do you just wish it was over for you too.  she's a strong woman and she's always carried on.  watching them made me realize that one day, that would be us.  God willing, we'll be old, watching everyone else move on and have to watch each other age and die.  in this season of babies and tired, it's hard to even put my head around it.  but there's no person i'd rather face it with.  we've been asking each other all these 'what if' questions in such a weird way.  like, 'if it was me, how would you____?'  almost like saying it is so foreign and weird like it could never happen.  and at first, we were giving each other these really brave answers like, 'i would do what was best for everyone.'  and 'you'd just have to carry on.'  when really, i don't think i could be brave or rational.  but, if it really happened, would we be so put together and diplomatic about it?  or would we fight to hold onto everything because we know our days together were numbered.  i guess it's just reminded me just how much i love him.  12 years together, marriage, jobs, babies...it's all just woven us tighter together.  and in these days of hard work and raising up toddlers, it's been so easy to forget that and let our feelings go unspoken.  i definitely walk around each day treating him like he'll always be here.  when, one day he won't be.  and that fact just takes my breath away.