sewing? really?

so...after all the drama from the great crib escape of 2010, my girls have landed in the same bedroom.  of which, i should have just done from the moment maggie's feet hit the floor from her launch.  i have to say, it feels strange.  i feel a little guilty, like i'm shortchanging annabelle or something.  she's had her own space for 4.5 years and now, poof, a roommate.  guess it's kinda like we felt in college :)  but, she hasn't complained yet.  with spring upon us, they don't spend much time up there other than to 'sleep' so maybe this was a good time to transition.  so, with them in the same room....that frees up an ENTIRE room.  for what, you may say?  another baby?  H to the ELL no.  a space for mommy?  BOO-YA.  ok, so it won't just be me.  i'm going to create a 'creative' room.  put my sewing machine in there, store all the craft supplies and let the girls have their coloring table in there...but only if they cooperate.  because, something has really sparked in my spirit when i think about sewing lately.  like, i can't get enough of it!  i'm always thinking about when i can steal away and work on something.  i have about 10 projects lined up in my head.  could this be the thing i've needed for so long?  i went thru a really tough time before having kids believing that God had kinda forgotten to give me a purpose/passion.  you know, something to hang my hat on that was just for me, from Him.   now I know so much more about His heart for me and know He loves me.  so I really just feel like He's giving me this interest as a simple and pure gift.  something to excite me, make me feel productive amongst the laundry/dishes/dust bunnies.  i would have never thought this up 5 years ago.  i have no idea where it will take me, but i think it will be a fun ride :)

8 more hours

two long weeks.  maggie climbed out of her crib 10 hours after he left on the first day.  and she hasn't stopped since.  it has been a horrible time. i haven't been this tired in her whole life.  at least when she was an infant, she didn't have to be chased.  i think i have said, 'get in your bed' about 2000 times this week.  and she still doesn't get it. nothing works for her. not being nice, not being mean.  she doesn't even flinch at being spanked, which i had to resort to after 2.5 hours one night trying to get her to sleep.  it has been a blur of no naps, tears, up in the middle of the night, getting kicked in my sleep, sharing my bed with everyone.  i'm tired. i'm done.  and i feel so guilty for just being mean the whole time.  i have no fuse left and everything is totally irritating.  i'll look back and laugh about it someday, but right now, i'm just finished.  8 more hours...

the help

joe is gone on a two week trip to korea and singapore. yes, that sucks.  but, inevitably, i always get so much help from andi and adam.  i sure hope they don't feel guilted into it.  but, they are seriously always there when i need them.  they drove me to the hospital when i was in labor with annabelle, they tried to get joe home on a flight that night, they let my dog out when i can't, they rip up moldy carpet when i'm scared it's hurting the brain development of my unborn child LOL. they put together toddler beds when i can't contain my climbing kid, they pick my girls up and take them to do their favorite things.  frisch's for two whole pregnancies whenever i wanted it.   years and years of help.  COUNTLESS meals with them when joe has been gone.  they just always show up.  and they are so funny!  i just love them.  and they are going to be my neighbors in just 6 more weeks!  they must be crazy.  how could i ever repay them for all they do for me? 

more free

in the last month, i've been going through beth moore's breaking free and our all-church curriculum 'FREE.'  sense a theme?!  here is what God is teaching me about myself through all this...

-i have considered myself the savior of my family.  that i was responsible for fixing everyone's problems.  their problems in life, relationships, money.  you name it, i needed to try to think of a solution.  i felt like 'God let me know about this, so He must want me to fix it.  and if i don't then we're all going to hell in a handbasket.'  sounds crazy...

-i have elected myself the go-between for all my family members.  i do this by engaging in gossipy conversations about each of them with each of them all the while trying to keep the blame/wrongful living away from me.  sounds bitchy...

-i thought that my constant worry/mental deliberation was required for any good to come of my families situations.  surely, i would just think of a solution.  sounds ridiculous...

-i've lived my life like God isn't in control.  that He can't handle this without me.  

-i haven't believed Him.

-i think that this is such a mess, that my mind can't conceive of how it could possibly work out. 

Conclusions...

-God is in control.  He doesn't need my input.

-what they do isn't my fault.

-I have to believe Him.

-I have to pray.

Through all this, I can't help but be afraid.  Afraid that it won't work out well.  Do I believe His plan is best?  I want to.  But, honestly, I think I've tried to solve all this for so long because it hurts like hell to see my family hurting or suffering.  It hurts like hell to see them hurting each other and wasting time acting like fools to each other.  Maybe all this time I've tried to fix it because I just didn't want to feel that hurt.  I didn't want to feel the sadness that comes from watching someone you love head down a tormented path and continue to make the wrong decision.  Every fiber of my being wants to grab their hands and say, 'No! Don't go that way!  You'll get hurt.  Just follow me and I'll help you out of this.'  But, that's not my job.  It's His.  Funny thing is, I think that's probably just what He says to all of us.  'No! Don't go that way!  You'll get hurt.  Just follow me and I'll help you out of this.'  this must be how He feels when He watches me turn away from Him.  Sadness. Disbelief that I continue to take the gnarly path when He's got the course all mapped out. Do they know how much I love them?  Do they know that I just want them to live free?  Do I know that Jesus really loves me?  Do I know that Jesus really wants me to live free? Jesus, take my hand.  It really hurts and I don't know which way to go. Lead me out of this.

free?

Maggabelle- 4.5 years and 19.5 months  it's been a crazy month.  a ton of snow, a dallop of sickness, and a dash more snow.  it's been good though.  just started two new bible studies  on freedom and one new book on the holy spirit.  kinda hefty after months of biblical apathy.  i find that i slip into times of drought when i've got a lot to hide.  then, wham, God blasts me all at once. kinda like saying, 'ok, enough! you are going to hear this child!'  so many things have been on my heart lately.    Forgotten God is really rocking my world.  all about the Holy Spirit and what it means to literally walk in Him.  like just that, have i really taken to heart that the Holy Spirit is Him?  and why is it hard for me to wrap my brain around that?  and why is it such an effort to walk every moment with Him?  shouldn't it be easy?  shouldn't, after all these years of being a believer, I wake up each morning eager to know what He wants to say to me and where He wants to lead me?  it's still a little weird to me.  is it that i haven't really fallen in love with God? Or that I haven't spent enough time in true relationship with Him?   what have i done wrong?  i wake up each morning loving and yearning to know what's going on with my husband and kids.   I felt as though I loved Joe only weeks after knowing him.  My kids were within days.  I'm so confident in my love for them and my desire to serve them.  Why is it different when it comes to the Spirit?  He is in me just waiting to lead, but I just stifle or ignore.  Am I afraid of what He'll ask of me?  Have I just not practiced/spent enough time listening?  All very hard questions for me to swallow.    And two different studies on Freedom.  Ain't nothing like asking God to shed some light on the areas that you feel all chained up in.  The obvious one, of course, is my issues with weight.  But, another one is my deep worry about what the future will hold for me in the next season.  What would my daily life look like if I didn't care what I weigh/look like? What would my daily life look like if I wasn't concerned with what God wants me to do with my life when my kids go to school?  Can I really be free from the thoughts that I have been so ingrained in following for decades?  DECADES. I realized this week that I haven't liked my body for 13 years now.  I've scrutinized every picture taken, every outfit worn, and believed that I looked terrible for 13 years.  Am I ready to be free of that?  What in the world does that even feel like?   And God seems to sending everyone down these really lovely little career/ministry paths that will just work out perfectly for when then aren't staying home with their kids anymore.  For me...not so much.  How in the world could He possibly make me free from all the judgement/comparison/self-doubting that this reality is causing me?  Is the first step realizing the chains that have been invisibly holding you for all this time?  I have to say, that has been the most shocking part.  Years of not even seeing the bondage...

94.5

pawie died yesterday.  he was 94.5 years old.  his last year was one of fast decline.  but, just 9 months ago, he was still able to pick around the garden.  as we sat and looked at old pictures, it was unbelievable to realize just how much he lived through.  the changes in style of everything...cars, hair-dos, the landscape of the beach, patterns of couches and wallpaper.  he had been married for over 60 years.  i just ache for mawie.  i know he needed to go and she knew it, but how do you walk back into a house alone after sharing your life with someone that long?  are you at peace with it or do you just wish it was over for you too.  she's a strong woman and she's always carried on.  watching them made me realize that one day, that would be us.  God willing, we'll be old, watching everyone else move on and have to watch each other age and die.  in this season of babies and tired, it's hard to even put my head around it.  but there's no person i'd rather face it with.  we've been asking each other all these 'what if' questions in such a weird way.  like, 'if it was me, how would you____?'  almost like saying it is so foreign and weird like it could never happen.  and at first, we were giving each other these really brave answers like, 'i would do what was best for everyone.'  and 'you'd just have to carry on.'  when really, i don't think i could be brave or rational.  but, if it really happened, would we be so put together and diplomatic about it?  or would we fight to hold onto everything because we know our days together were numbered.  i guess it's just reminded me just how much i love him.  12 years together, marriage, jobs, babies...it's all just woven us tighter together.  and in these days of hard work and raising up toddlers, it's been so easy to forget that and let our feelings go unspoken.  i definitely walk around each day treating him like he'll always be here.  when, one day he won't be.  and that fact just takes my breath away.

lexicon update

Maggie-

bobble- bottle