just another manic monday...

up early.  the sun was up at 5:30.  the quiet is nice. had a pretty busy weekend and we're staring down a packed week.  having one of those up-early-worrying-about-something-said-yesterday mornings.  it was one of those moments when you said something that you didn't want to say because you know it is a dig and could potentially be hurtful.  but deep down, you've been dying to say it because you have just been pissed off for awhile at that person.  and you've been scheming in your mind what you'd love to truly say to them, but know you never will because it's just mean and makes you look ugly.  well, a tiny little bit of what i have been dying to say slipped out yesterday.  and inevitably...remorse.  and so the mental roller coaster begins...God, heal these wounds. they've been there for years and the scarring is deep.  i don't want to walk out of this hurt, i want to walk out of a heart changed and healed by You.  i have no idea how to make this better. 

the happy place

waking up at 5:30 for a 'bobble', endless diaper changing, constant correcting, always feeling like a 'meany', gazing longingly at the project collecting dust in the corner, gazing disgustingly at the hair balls forming all over the hardwood...it's easy to just get sucked into the vortex of 'blah' when life feels like Groundhog Day.  I'm dreaming of a special place that I'm sure doesn't exist.  One that is gated, outside (so my kids are getting their dose of fresh air, haha), but shaded so I don't have to worry about sunscreen, grassy yet bug-free so we don't need the spray, concrete that doesn't hurt when you fall on it.  a place where i can sit, relaxed, watching my kids play and laugh and truly enjoy them without thinking about anything else.  without a magazine, without a book, without a list.  just purely watching them live without having to correct, catch, yell, discipline, clean, collect, assess.  a place where all i need to say is 'good job, wonderful, YES!' a place where the word 'no' isn't needed.  ahhhhh.  that would be a nice change.  God, how can i snap out of this funk? or is it something that isn't supposed to be snapped out of...

been awhile...

been awhile since my last post.  busy sewing, chasing children, trying to figure out all these blog/photo sites.  i have a bazillion ideas.  going to a quilt show this weekend and heading to sharon's in two weeks :) 

sewing? really?

so...after all the drama from the great crib escape of 2010, my girls have landed in the same bedroom.  of which, i should have just done from the moment maggie's feet hit the floor from her launch.  i have to say, it feels strange.  i feel a little guilty, like i'm shortchanging annabelle or something.  she's had her own space for 4.5 years and now, poof, a roommate.  guess it's kinda like we felt in college :)  but, she hasn't complained yet.  with spring upon us, they don't spend much time up there other than to 'sleep' so maybe this was a good time to transition.  so, with them in the same room....that frees up an ENTIRE room.  for what, you may say?  another baby?  H to the ELL no.  a space for mommy?  BOO-YA.  ok, so it won't just be me.  i'm going to create a 'creative' room.  put my sewing machine in there, store all the craft supplies and let the girls have their coloring table in there...but only if they cooperate.  because, something has really sparked in my spirit when i think about sewing lately.  like, i can't get enough of it!  i'm always thinking about when i can steal away and work on something.  i have about 10 projects lined up in my head.  could this be the thing i've needed for so long?  i went thru a really tough time before having kids believing that God had kinda forgotten to give me a purpose/passion.  you know, something to hang my hat on that was just for me, from Him.   now I know so much more about His heart for me and know He loves me.  so I really just feel like He's giving me this interest as a simple and pure gift.  something to excite me, make me feel productive amongst the laundry/dishes/dust bunnies.  i would have never thought this up 5 years ago.  i have no idea where it will take me, but i think it will be a fun ride :)

8 more hours

two long weeks.  maggie climbed out of her crib 10 hours after he left on the first day.  and she hasn't stopped since.  it has been a horrible time. i haven't been this tired in her whole life.  at least when she was an infant, she didn't have to be chased.  i think i have said, 'get in your bed' about 2000 times this week.  and she still doesn't get it. nothing works for her. not being nice, not being mean.  she doesn't even flinch at being spanked, which i had to resort to after 2.5 hours one night trying to get her to sleep.  it has been a blur of no naps, tears, up in the middle of the night, getting kicked in my sleep, sharing my bed with everyone.  i'm tired. i'm done.  and i feel so guilty for just being mean the whole time.  i have no fuse left and everything is totally irritating.  i'll look back and laugh about it someday, but right now, i'm just finished.  8 more hours...

the help

joe is gone on a two week trip to korea and singapore. yes, that sucks.  but, inevitably, i always get so much help from andi and adam.  i sure hope they don't feel guilted into it.  but, they are seriously always there when i need them.  they drove me to the hospital when i was in labor with annabelle, they tried to get joe home on a flight that night, they let my dog out when i can't, they rip up moldy carpet when i'm scared it's hurting the brain development of my unborn child LOL. they put together toddler beds when i can't contain my climbing kid, they pick my girls up and take them to do their favorite things.  frisch's for two whole pregnancies whenever i wanted it.   years and years of help.  COUNTLESS meals with them when joe has been gone.  they just always show up.  and they are so funny!  i just love them.  and they are going to be my neighbors in just 6 more weeks!  they must be crazy.  how could i ever repay them for all they do for me? 

more free

in the last month, i've been going through beth moore's breaking free and our all-church curriculum 'FREE.'  sense a theme?!  here is what God is teaching me about myself through all this...

-i have considered myself the savior of my family.  that i was responsible for fixing everyone's problems.  their problems in life, relationships, money.  you name it, i needed to try to think of a solution.  i felt like 'God let me know about this, so He must want me to fix it.  and if i don't then we're all going to hell in a handbasket.'  sounds crazy...

-i have elected myself the go-between for all my family members.  i do this by engaging in gossipy conversations about each of them with each of them all the while trying to keep the blame/wrongful living away from me.  sounds bitchy...

-i thought that my constant worry/mental deliberation was required for any good to come of my families situations.  surely, i would just think of a solution.  sounds ridiculous...

-i've lived my life like God isn't in control.  that He can't handle this without me.  

-i haven't believed Him.

-i think that this is such a mess, that my mind can't conceive of how it could possibly work out. 

Conclusions...

-God is in control.  He doesn't need my input.

-what they do isn't my fault.

-I have to believe Him.

-I have to pray.

Through all this, I can't help but be afraid.  Afraid that it won't work out well.  Do I believe His plan is best?  I want to.  But, honestly, I think I've tried to solve all this for so long because it hurts like hell to see my family hurting or suffering.  It hurts like hell to see them hurting each other and wasting time acting like fools to each other.  Maybe all this time I've tried to fix it because I just didn't want to feel that hurt.  I didn't want to feel the sadness that comes from watching someone you love head down a tormented path and continue to make the wrong decision.  Every fiber of my being wants to grab their hands and say, 'No! Don't go that way!  You'll get hurt.  Just follow me and I'll help you out of this.'  But, that's not my job.  It's His.  Funny thing is, I think that's probably just what He says to all of us.  'No! Don't go that way!  You'll get hurt.  Just follow me and I'll help you out of this.'  this must be how He feels when He watches me turn away from Him.  Sadness. Disbelief that I continue to take the gnarly path when He's got the course all mapped out. Do they know how much I love them?  Do they know that I just want them to live free?  Do I know that Jesus really loves me?  Do I know that Jesus really wants me to live free? Jesus, take my hand.  It really hurts and I don't know which way to go. Lead me out of this.